Ten Ways: The Golden Age

Before TiVo, the Internet, the Television, photography and indoor plumbing, there was just one way to get a look at the action from Olympia and that was the “use of skill and imagination in the creation of aesthetic objects, environments, or experiences that can be shared with others” (thanks, Britannica!) better known as ‘art.’

(The first issue of Sports Illustrated, all the men the cover were eaten soon after by bears)

If you lived 2,784 years ago, you’d find that major sporting events were immortalized in single panel comics known as “paintings.” Having not been invented yet, there were no word balloons; instead, descriptions of the action were given in person by ancient live-bloggers, who, as per tradition, embellished events they themselves may have only heard about second-hand.

Nike of course sponsored these ancient games, albeit in her pre-sellout form as the Greek goddess of Victory, which were held every four years in honor of her celestial contemporary, Zeus. The true origin story of the games are now shrouded in myth, having been subject to hundreds of ret-cons though the centuries by artists and their patrons looking to put their own spin on popular classics. Although the ‘ultimate’ version of the story has the games being founded by the great hero Heracles in the midst of his maxi-series of twelve labors.

At first the games comprise of a single footrace between qualified citizens of the Greek city-states, but as its popularity grew, the games branched out, offering new content like boxing, wrestling, the now classic field events like the discus or javelin and even chariot racing. (There was also a lot of nudity…almost exclusively male nudity, which is fine if you’re into that, although I’ll take modern Woman’s Beach Volleyball, which is close enough.)

Soon (soon being a relative term when talking about history, in this case almost 300 years later) rival games began popping up, like the Isthmian Games in Corinth, which split the fan base, but overall they aided in each other’s stability.

However, by 393AD, social pressure in the form censorship by state sponsored religion, backed up by the threat of Roman Legions ended the games’ Golden Age. The games would pass into memory, and the public domain, until 1896 when the Modern Age began.

Nine..D'oh, Ten Ways: The Simpsons Go Olympic!

The smartest show on TV tackles the biggest sporting event in the world! Right here!

Closing Ceremonies, Live

:02 The drummers are back and now they look like Chinese Power Rangers...oy I'm dating myself, is that even still on?

:03 Someone is lowering a big wheel of cheese into the arena....

:05 Burning Man is going to break out here any second

:09 I see a lot of those anti-red eye camera flashes going off in the crowd, I'm not sure they are going to work that great.

:15 I love how all the athletes come in together like this...if anything it won't take as long.

:34 The Marathon winners are then followed by a parade of more of the Chinese's elite team of tiny stunt-cuties. Adorable. They are the perfect weapon.

:42 Oh they are not playing fair if they don't turn that flag-blower on for the Greek flag...ok, nevermind.

:43 No translation subtitles NBC? This event happened almost 12 hours ago, c'mon!

:55 That is some impressive flag-folding. Hey black colored fireworks, cool.

:56 The London Mayor is rocking some classic British teeth.

1:05 I think the Austin Powers movies have ruined the idea of British citizens dancing thing for me

1:06 Oooo! The bus is transforming....c'mon Giant Robot!!!!...eh it's some pop star, who wants to bet no one can remember her name by the time the London games come around...And Jimmy Page is miming the guitar live!

1:19 IIIIINNNNNNNDDYYYYY, THE TORCH IS GOING OUT!!!

1:24 I'm getting a real ant-hill vibe off of this tower, and it's kinda creeping me out.

1:31 Pre-fab pop groups are decadent! Lip-syncing is counter-revolutionary!

1:45 WHOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Up With People! Hey, it's Jackie Chan! And he's singing! Let's see Chuck Norris do that!

1:51 I think they undid all of their 'progress' on air-pollution with those fireworks.

2:01 Hey it's that one 3 Tenor who's not Pavarotti or that other guy.

2:37 Montages.....if you want memories of the games, look below.

2:28 Mao is looking over Bob Costas' shoulder, if there is a better metaphor for China's realtionship with the media, I don't know it.


Well, that's the end of the 2008 Olympics, and while I'm more then a bit sad to see them go, we're not quite done yet here at Off The Podium. Stay tuned for some last little bits, then it's...the future.

Ten Ways: Epyx’s Summer Games

The late, lamented video game developer Epyx holds a special place in history, it not only managed to use two ‘extreme’ consonants to replace one vowel sound in the pre-l33t days of 1983, but also put out one of the most sophisticated and varied sports games in the post Atari-crash era: Summer Games.

First on the Commodore 64 in 1984, Summer Games let players compete in such events as the Pole Vault, Platform Diving, Sprinting, Gymnastics, Freestyle Swimming, Skeet Shooting and Rowing at the “Epyx Games.” (Either they couldn’t afford the official license, or they just didn’t want to confuse people by calling it the “Summer Olympyx”)

An odd combination of sports, but basically all the individual events (and in the case of running and swimming, one-at-a-time relays) whose motions can be replicated using the most ubiquitous controller of the era, the single button Atari Joystick.

Being a digital signal device, there was no room for the nuance that can be found with the modern analog sticks, so trying to make your tiny gymnast avatar land on her feet after tumbling though the air was a little like playing the piano with your face.

The game came packed onto a storage medium that considered massive now only in terms of its physical size. A single five and a quarter inch floppy disk, like the one found in the box for Summer Games, at its peak could hold up to 360 Kilobytes. To put it in perspective, you could fit about 11,650 copies of Summer Games onto the first-gen, 4GB iPhone.

Very popular, Summer Games would be ported forward until finally it arrived on the Sega Master system at the start of the 8-bit era. Epyx, would also find success spinning-off the franchise with Winter Games, World Games (Caber Toss! YES!) as well as California Games, which made an appearance on the Nintendo Wii’s Virtual Console in Europe this past April.

Sadly, Epyx folded slowly in the late eighties and early nineties, until finally selling the bulk of it’s assets to Atari, including their work on an early handheld system, one that would become the Atari Lynx. Epyx is gyne, but not forgytton…x.

Dix Manières: Asterix

Plus de ma marque unique d'amusement est maintenant finie disponible chez Newsarama, le vérifie dehors !

Ten Ways: Goldfinger

Head back over to Newsarama for the next installment of the Pop Culture Olympics!

Fun!!!

Trampoline, Explaned!

Want to be an Olympian? Sure you do, but what’s that you say? You don’t qualify under either faster, higher or stronger? Cut from the JV Basketball team on the first day? Not patrician enough to afford sailing or riding lessons? Well, what about your classic backyard sports? Sure, Lawn Darts have been outlawed by people sensitive to skull puncture, and offering to demonstrate your skill at “Corn Hole” keeps getting you arrested. But what about the trampoline? You remember that thing don’t you, it’s the bouncy toy that’s kept generations of orthopedics in business for years! That’s right, the trampoline is not just a good way to pretend to exercise, its an Olympic sport!

The trampoline dates back to the old world practice of ‘blanketing,’ in which an angry mob would administer a humiliating punishment upon transgressors by flinging them into the air several times, before finally just letting them crash into the ground and become injured for their amusement, notably this is also how NASCAR got it’s start.

Science took most of the human effort out of the equation when George Nissen and Larry Griswold created the first ‘modern’ trampoline in 1934 after observing the net used by trapeze artists, and named their invention after the Spanish word for diving board, trampolin.

After stints in the Air Force and NASA, the trampoline was employed for sport and was contested for the first time in an Olympics at the 2000 Sydney Games, although international trampoline competitions were held as early as 1964. A relatively simple sport (with just the trampoline, copious padding and Dramamine for the audience needed) trampolining is judged using the same, clearly defined rules that make subjective grading so popular.

For each competitor’s routine, five judges grade how well each move (drawn from both traditional gymnastics and other gravitationally hampered sports like diving) is executed, and each keeps a running total of penalizing deductions, which is then subtracted from 10, and then the highest and lowest result from the five totals is omitted. These three numbers are then added to the difficulty score that the competitor accumulates with each move (each move having been pre-scored on its individual difficulty, and placed on a handy chart). This results in a final score that is used to rank the competitors. In case of a tie, both competitors must engage in a round of Kosho to the death.

With this info, you’ll be performing Barani Ball Outs in no time, good luck, and enjoy!

Ten Ways #3: Akira

Ten Ways #3 is live on Newsarama, take a look!

Phelps Plus Ten

NBC’s coverage of the games is an easy target for complaints, but really it’s just the prime-time program that’s making the entire Olympics look like a 3 person show (although that includes the Beach Vollyball duo of May-Treanor and Walsh, so as the man says 2 out of 3 ain’t bad). Even then you have to realize that they are trying to appeal to a mass audience, and nothing is more popular than a winner, and there is no winner in the games like Michael Phelps.

In his defense I don’t think he even knows the level of coverage he’s getting in the states, not only is every swim and swimmer compared to him, but it’s starting to cross over to other sports, like this interview with Yang Xiuli of China, shown here after receiving her second career Gold Medal in Judo’s 78kg class.

[Phelps? I just spent two days trying to avoid being thrown to the mat with considerable force and speed just to win just this one gold and took a beating doing it, and he can win eight just by swimming, then swimming a bit further, and then swimming in a different way? How do you think I feel?]*

*(Roughly translated from Chinese)

I don’t mean to be tough on the guy that Bob Costas calls “Superman,” even though the title of Aquaman is right there and fits so much better. (C’mon Bob, show a little Geek cred and throw that one out, I know you can, I can tell you’re Nerdcore just by looking at you.) However, I will say this to young Michael, if you hit that magic number of eight golds and come home to parades and a lifetime supply of Wheaties, just remember you are only ten years away from starring in an ad opposite a guy dressed as a giant marsupial.

Off the Podium and over to Newsarama!

Hey there sports fans! Now you can read more of my own brand of nonsense at Newsarama's Blog@ under the banner of "Seth Robison's Pop Culture Olympics!"

Here's the first one!

Glee!!!!

Judo Scoring, Explained!

Now, if you’re like me, you’ve been watching Judo online while you should have been spending time with your family or sleeping…or working. Firstly, I’m sorry you’re like me, but secondly you’ve probably been baffled by how Olympic Judo is scored. You’ve no doubt seen more then one match where the score went quickly to something like 101 to zero, and then an instant later then losing fighter is declared the winner after a single move.

(Fighters struggle to reach the score multiplier before it fades)

Therefore, I scoured the web looking for an explanation and found the answer to be a lot more interesting than I first thought. (H/T to http://www.judoinfo.com/rules1.htm)

The goal of competitive Judo is to score a single point, called an Ippon (this is opposed to actual Judo where the goal is to finish off the masses of redshirts in front of you and still have enough energy left to take on the hidden island’s boss, the old man with the razor claw and the wheezing laugh who’s holding the world for ransom).

The first competitor to score this one point by either maintaining a pin for 25 seconds, choking out or submitting an opponent, or ideally: throwing the opponent to the mat with “considerable force and speed” (you gotta love a sport with that phrase in its official rulebook) will win instantly.

Lacking that, one can win by scoring two half-points (math is power) called Waza-ari, by achieving a not-so-forceful throw, or a 20-second pin.

Points are also scored for ‘partially successful’ throws and 15-20 second pins, known as Yuko, and non-back landing throw results and brief pins, called Koka.

Scoreboards represent these by separating them into three digit numbers. Therefore, a contestant with one Waza-ari, one Yuko and no Kokas would have a score of 110. While an opponent with zero Waza-aris three Yukos and two Kokas would have a 32. If this match timed out, the first competitor would win, even though he or she had less scoring moves. (Ippons are not recorded since scoring one would end the match)

Recently abandoned scoring rules include the awarding 5/8^th of a point for throwing your opponent through a wall. Also removed: knives, lengths of lead pipe, and hunks of energy-restoring, bone-in pork roasts. Finishing moves are still allowed if enough Chi has been accumulated.

Hajime and enjoy!

Today the Floor Exercise Mat, Tomorrow the World!

Everyone has wondered about the problems plaguing the US Gymnastics team.

Closer inspection has revealed that it may be the influence of a certain evil, mind-controlling starfish from outer space.

That’s right, it’s Starro The Conqueror.

Quick, someone replace all the chalk with Calcium Oxide! What? It'll burn their skin off? Okay, I'll think of something else, just keep them busy while I go find Michael Phelps, I mean, Aquaman...

#1 Gymkata

(The first in a series of ten ways to enjoy the Olympics without having to actually watch them.)

#1: Gymkata

Gymnast Kurt Thomas, fresh of his Olympic debut in 1976, and his unprecedented two gold, three silver and one bronze medal performance at the 1979 World Championships, was all set to take on the world at the 1980 Moscow Games when the infamous boycott was announced.

So what does a man do when he’s spent his life training his mind and body to its peak, only to be left with no stage to present himself? Become a secret agent and aid the Special Intelligence Agency (better known as the SIA) in their efforts to put a Soviet satellite observation post in the tiny mountain nation of Parmistan. Which is not to be confused with Ricottia and the troubles they are having with the breakaway Feta Republic.

Ok, this isn’t entirely true. Yes, Kurt Thomas at the time was a world-class athlete, but instead of espionage, he got into acting and made his debut in what may be the worst movie ever not to get the MST3K treatment, Gymkata. In it, ‘Jonathan Cabot,’ who, coincidentally, is a world class gymnast, is approached by the US Government to aid in their effort to spy on the Red Menace by participating and winning a violent competition in distant Parmistan. And if severing Uncle Sam wasn’t enough, he is told that his father is also an SIA agent, and is now missing in that same, strange land.

One training montage later, John is quickly embroiled in Parmistan political upheaval that has him not only playing their deadly game, but becoming embroiled in a palace coup as well. Running for his life, John has the unbelievably fortuitous luck to run into several urban and arboreal artifacts that perfectly double as gymnastic equipment that he can use to fend of his attacks with routines that would even please the East German judge!

(Note: not a screenshot from Resident Evil 4)

In the end, John wins their deadly game, saves the Princess (yes, naturally, there was a Princess to save), finds his father, and secures a location for the USA to conduct its operations against the Communist threat.

While Gymkata didn’t win a gold medal at the box office, it has earned a spot as one of the all time classic B-movies and is even available on DVD. Boycott it at your own risk.

Live Bogging the Opening Ceremonies

(From NBC's tape delayed presentation of the Opening Ceremony)

6:30pm CT: I love these poetic openings, and everyone’s in such great shape, that’s it, time to diet!

:04 Arg! 20 minutes to go before they even start?

:05 Oh! A commercial! I’m gonna go get some pretzels.

:14 Tom Brokaw, brought to you tonight by the Chinese Chamber of Commerce.

:15 There appears to be a giant blue Rice Krispie square across from the main Stadium…and it has lasers.

:21 Oh, it’s the “National Aquatics Center” aka “The Cube.” So I was half right.

:22 Kobe and LeBron, you know I’ve complained in the past that football (that’s football-football, not soccer-football) has never been included, but at least we don’t have to hear about Farve’s mid life crisis for 16 more days.

:27 This is on tape and still NBC can’t get back from commercials on time.

:31 Looks like LED strobes coming off those drums, hope no epileptics are watching…2,008 people counting down in unison like that using the light from the drums, pretty cool.

:41 I wasn’t going to comment on the ads, but come on, do you think any of the athletes actually eat at McDonalds? Maybe the shot putters.

:43 Ahhhhh! Rainbow Brites attack!

:46 Look at that little girl, the Chinese have perfected Cute Technology, our missile shield is useless against it! Although with the marching soldiers thing, they need work on their subtly subsystems.

:52 Calligraphy? Would it be insensitive to ask for a little Kung Fu? …although, where do I get some of those crayon socks? And that 250 foot long LED screen…football season is coming.

:56 That painting? If it shows up on eBay, someone’s getting gulag-ed

01:00 And now, the philosophy…of DANCE!

01:01 Look at all those letters, and that’s just a standard size keyboard in China.

01:06 Those blocks…are made out of people! PEOPLE!

01:12 This boat thing is making me urpy…shouldn’t of had those pretzels.

01:23 No sighing of General Tso so far…must be chicken.

01:30 Tai Chi! Ok we’re getting close to breaking boards with our faces now.

01:35 This is like those movies where there’s a hidden fortress full of people doing ninja training. Ninjas would be cool, China had ninjas, right? Pirates at least?

01:42 Time for a song, jeeze, 8 months of prep and they couldn't get this guy to tuck in his shirt?

01:50 Parade of Nations time! Get Comfy! Wow, no alphabetical order in China? How to they line up to go to the bathroom?

01:56 The world Tae Kwan Do champ is from Mali? Neat.

02:02 Are those Chinese girls going to dance in place for 200+ nations?

02:26 Cool, they have everyone walking through what looks like a rainbow of powered ink, and trailing it onto that “eBay” painting I mentioned earlier.

02:39 I know this isn’t Project Runway, but the dresses on the Hungarian women are bad, really bad. Like ”Monty Python in drag” bad.

03:00 Yep, those dancing girls are still going. FEEL THE BURN! Heh, I just noticed they all have water bottles attached to their belts, that’s thoughtful.

03:06 WHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! TEAM USA!!!!!!!!!!!!

03:18 The Dutch are again rocking the orange. Classic.

03:24 Kiribati? Are they just making counties up now?

03:36 The Swedish women look great in their teal Chinese dresses. Just thought I’d point that out.

03:59 China comes out, and the dancing girls get the fifth wind as the end nears.

04:06 Speech time! And evocative or not, that’s some nice marching. Hey, they have fans or something fluttering those flags…is that cheating?

04:20 Torch time! Whoa, some wire work. He’s running around the upper ring of the stadium, and it’s like he’s walking on air, a neat effect. And it’s lit, that was really cool.

11:04pm CT and it’s all over. Bedtime, woman’s volleyball starts in a couple hours :D .

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