#1 Gymkata

(The first in a series of ten ways to enjoy the Olympics without having to actually watch them.)

#1: Gymkata

Gymnast Kurt Thomas, fresh of his Olympic debut in 1976, and his unprecedented two gold, three silver and one bronze medal performance at the 1979 World Championships, was all set to take on the world at the 1980 Moscow Games when the infamous boycott was announced.

So what does a man do when he’s spent his life training his mind and body to its peak, only to be left with no stage to present himself? Become a secret agent and aid the Special Intelligence Agency (better known as the SIA) in their efforts to put a Soviet satellite observation post in the tiny mountain nation of Parmistan. Which is not to be confused with Ricottia and the troubles they are having with the breakaway Feta Republic.

Ok, this isn’t entirely true. Yes, Kurt Thomas at the time was a world-class athlete, but instead of espionage, he got into acting and made his debut in what may be the worst movie ever not to get the MST3K treatment, Gymkata. In it, ‘Jonathan Cabot,’ who, coincidentally, is a world class gymnast, is approached by the US Government to aid in their effort to spy on the Red Menace by participating and winning a violent competition in distant Parmistan. And if severing Uncle Sam wasn’t enough, he is told that his father is also an SIA agent, and is now missing in that same, strange land.

One training montage later, John is quickly embroiled in Parmistan political upheaval that has him not only playing their deadly game, but becoming embroiled in a palace coup as well. Running for his life, John has the unbelievably fortuitous luck to run into several urban and arboreal artifacts that perfectly double as gymnastic equipment that he can use to fend of his attacks with routines that would even please the East German judge!

(Note: not a screenshot from Resident Evil 4)

In the end, John wins their deadly game, saves the Princess (yes, naturally, there was a Princess to save), finds his father, and secures a location for the USA to conduct its operations against the Communist threat.

While Gymkata didn’t win a gold medal at the box office, it has earned a spot as one of the all time classic B-movies and is even available on DVD. Boycott it at your own risk.